The Quintessentially American Thong

by The Honorable Odysseus Neill Gump

Now this may be interpreted as tongue in cheek, or make me the butt of a joke or two. But before I get my rump roasted or (booty) called out, allow me to cover (or bare rather) my flanks.


Thongs are as American as venture capitalism, Horatio Alger and foreign wars. By this of course I mean they all freely expose to the world the pert and prominent beauty of the American body politic. But when these explanations bottom out, everybody knows its all about the freedom to get big booty. Hence, why the male thong is the perfect incarnation of the modern American reality; it gets right to the bottom of the matter.

I'm not cracking jokes at the much maligned American lack of scruple when it comes to these things. Indeed, as an American, I admire the American commitment to rounding out the health and wealth of the American empire. But I can't resist taking a crack so to speak at the way the American sexual landscape has somewhere along the way, slipped through the cracks.

Male thongs are the silky heartstrings of American sexual freedom. Instead of writing to my congressman, I like to air my grievances in a nice red G-string. Or before going to the ball game, maybe I'll put on my trusty black catcher's mitt, which makes my base secure. And when my wife gets frisky, a skimpy slinky slip-on low rise gets a rise out of her every time. And when i feel patriotic I hoist up my red-white-and blue G-string and have a ball.

Remember, when you've got em by the balls, hearts and minds will follow. Just don't string them along.

Never hit a man with a thong. Use... oh well whatever